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Old physicists don't die; their wavefunctions go to zero as time goes to infinity.
A bar walks into a man, oops, wrong frame of reference
At the physics exam: 'Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.'
Question: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?Answer: The 'wave'.
The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)"
One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
The
experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's
office, waving a graph taken off his
latest experiment. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly
where
you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical
explanation follows)." In the middle of it, the experimentalist
says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says,
"Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the
theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in
exactly that position. Here's the reason...".
A Princeton plasma
physicist is
at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern
sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a
genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The
physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the
Middle East and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace in
this region". After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie
replies, "Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon,
Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully
embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm
just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just
too
much for me". Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks,
"I
wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion
energy
break-even." After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see
that
map again?"
What
is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a
mathematician? If an engineer walks
into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water
in
the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire
and
puts it out. If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in
the
middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket
of
water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire
put
itself out. If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire
in
the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces
himself
there is a solution and leaves. (credit: Jeremiah Jazdzewski)
An
experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats,
and an inclined tin roof. The two cats are very nearly identical;
same sex, age, weight, breed, eye
and hair color. The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same
height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats
fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference
between the two cats.What is the difference? One cat has a
greater mew. (credit: Mike Varney)
French
physicist Ampere (1775-1836) had two cats, one big and a one
small, and he loved them very much. But when the door was closed
cats couldn't enter or exit the room.
So Ampere ordered two holes to be made in his door: one big for
the
big cat, and one small for the small cat. (credit: Marga -
unverified
story)
A
psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a
physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner
of the room and the mathematician on
a chair in another one, and tells him: "I´ll half the
distance
between you and the woman every five minutes, and you´re
not
allowed to stand up." the mathematician runs away, yelling: "in
that
case, I´ll never get to this woman!". After that, the
psychologist
takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts
grinning.
the psychologist asks him: "but you´ll never get to this
woman?",
the physicists tells him: "sure, but for all practical things
this
is a good approximation." (credit: Thomas Mayer)
Why
did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?To get to the same side.
(credit: Tom Gregg)
Why
did the chicken cross the road?Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to
stay at rest, chickens in motion
tend to cross roads. (credit: Muhammad Ahmed)
A
neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender looks at him,
and says "For you, no charge."
Two
fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll
have what he's having." (credit: Jeff Nastasi)
Two
atoms bump into each other.
One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you
sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
Renee
Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you
a martini "Descartes says "I
don't think..." and he disappears (credit: OCROWLEY101)
Where
does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! (credit: Gary Lisica)
Heisenberg
is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop
says "Do you know how fast
you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
W
hy did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
There is this
farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the
sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is
wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a
biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure
out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens,
examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what
could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and
makes
some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either.
So
the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens
for
a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden
he
starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several
gruesome
calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for
spherical
chickens in a vacuum."